To Whom It May Concern

The uninspired robots, stop talking.

The uninvited whining from the people who have it all… you have it all.

The shit-talking, the whining, the jealousy, SHUT IT DOWN.

I’m not one to give in to hypocrisy, but yes I am.

I’m mainly referring to the popular outlet, nay, forum of complaints, known as the Internet. Facebook is not a diary. Twitter is not your mother. Instagram is not a food journal.

Can’t we all just have a day where we post great, wonderful, inspiring things that happen to us throughout the day? Why do we insist upon weighing each other down with each negative, irritating, rage-inducing event instead? I’m not perfect; I’ve committed social media sins just like everyone else.

But wouldn’t a day without complaining just be the bees-knees? Play house with me a sec, guys.

Imagine waking up, grabbing your phone as always and opening Facebook. But, instead of the usual, “I HATE LIFE. KILL ME NOW OMGZZZZ,” you see something strangely pleasant.

Something like, “Wow, what a refreshing sleep!” Okay. That would be annoying. But it’s better than morally debating whether to oblige those complainers publicizing their death wishes all over your news feed, right? I mean, is it still murder if they requested it? Beside the point.

All I’m saying is it would be nice.

Now, I’m not so naive as to think a movement for positivity on social media would go without ridicule. It would probably make the issue worse than before.

And that, kids, is the world we live in. Grand.

Posted in Anger, Annoying, Happiness, Humans, Humor, Observations, People, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Find Me One Of These.

You know that proverbial character on the beloved, yet virtually extinct family sitcom? The wise old owl that is the gentle but firm moral compass to the misguided characters. Whatever path the individuals walk, the grounding of the entire show comes back to this one character who seems to have all the answers.

AND I WANT ONE, DAMNIT!

It’s not fair that these fictional people get a shaman to walk them through life and us real people are left to our own devices!

If someone could find/become a Mr. Feeny for me, that would be great.

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Wise, Feeny, wise. Teach me your ways so that I, too, may one day be an owl perched in a tree, observing those around me from afar. Bespectacled and master of playing the unsung hero, characters like Mr. Feeny are immortalized in television history, passed down through generations. I get way too nostalgic for my own good, so my kids will be forced to watch “Boy Meets World” or face my wrath.

I also really, really love this one:

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Wilson of “Home Improvement”. I don’t know if it’s because my father adored this show, or I’m sucker for the mystery man behind the fence, but he’s right up there with the Feenster. Either way, they win.

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I Need Your Wonderful And Creative Suggestions, Please?

I don’t really give a fuck if you think it’s lame, but I would really like to make a summer bucket list.

A lot of things in my life are changing, and I already have some ideas. But I want to hear from you lovely people. What would you put on your bucket list? Why?

I’ll be working from early May until some time in August, and going to school for…I have no idea. Half of summer. The dead half.

But I’ll find a way. My goal this summer is to LIVE. Because I keep realizing with each year that one of these days, I won’t have a summer vacation.

Thoroughly depressing, right?

So I need something to last me until I retire…If I manage to make it that long, that is.

So whatcha got?

Posted in Art, Happiness, Holidays, Humans, Movies, Music, Observations, People, Travel | Tagged , , , , , , | 3 Comments

You May Say I’m a Dreamer

And you would be correct. Because amidst this nightmare that is being a student during finals season, I fight my way down through the Adderall frenzy and force myself into believing some pretty awesome lies.

For example, when I woke up this morning, I had myself believing for a full minute that I was not in my smelly room cuddling with my cat. No, I was at a 5 star hotel cuddling with James Franco and my cat. Any minute my bottle of wine was going to poof onto my solid gold nightstand, and I would stand up to find that I had lost 15 pounds over night.

Then I opened my eyes and realized the horror instantly.

Hungover, bloated from 2 a.m. Taco Bell, and a cat on my face (who, by the way, must have slept in his litter box or something, because he straight up smelled like shit).

But that’s not even the worst of it. Once the shock of slamming back to planet Earth wore off, I remembered this thing I have to do today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, where I stare at a computer screen for like, 15 straight hours.

So, I accepted like, 8 gallons of Dr Pepper as a substitute for wine, and searched the Internet for cardboard cut-outs of James Franco. (No luck).

And now, my tiny corner of the Internet is a last resort because the real world has nothing left to distract me. With that, I have to go submerge myself in knowledge. This should be illegal. Brain rape. This knowledge is unwelcome. This knowledge is not consensual. Oh, hell.

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Posted in Anger, Annoying, Cats, Depression, Education, Happiness, Observations, People, Pets | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Scale of 1-10…

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How bad do you think this smells?

Right, now think about all of that being left there for coming up on nine days now.

Yes, OVER A FUCKING WEEK.

Let’s back up.

Roommate: yeah she sucks and screws everyone she knows in the end. (Note, this is a different roommate than the one I referred to in my first ever post, so you can see how the harmony has progressed in this household)

Literally, she fucked her friend’s boyfriend.

But this is beside the point. In addition to being whiny, a food hoarder, a shit-talking spider monkey old man-looking creature, and being incapable of forming her own opinion about ANYTHING…She is so so so very very awfully horribly messy. So messy, in fact, that I dedicated that last run-on sentence to her and even neglected punctuation so that it would fit this girl, and show you people just how much I can’t stand her.

This isn’t the first time she has unleashed her inner dirt dragon and left it for the upstairs inhabitants to disinfect, either.

About two months ago, she had an unplanned, and ridiculously gigantic party.

I looked like this when people showed up:

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Yeah….

Fortunately, I don’t give a fuck, and truly enjoyed stealing all of the attention she intended to be on her that night.

The next morning, where was little Roomie? Who knows…But her mess is still here. Curious. And infuriating. And enough to really tip me over the edge to that terrifying black out rage.

You would THINK the girl might learn her lesson after that one.

But then I wouldn’t have anything to blog about, now would I? No.

Obviously, she left that shit previously photographed in the sink. Which, by the way, neither me nor my other roommate benefitted from at all. She cooked with her loud, annoying, and frankly vacuous friends while we watched TV. Don’t mind us, we aren’t hungry, but I’ll just cook this Lean Cuisine to keep up appearances.

Then she leaves it. And has the NERVE to tell me it’s all our mess. AND that we never clean.

To which I almost pulled out the big guns. Seriously. I have the power to make this girl cry. A lot. Like, seriously she’s a terrible person but no one ever calls her out. But I also think she’s a psychopath, and I have sworn to myself up and down that I will not be the one to make her snap.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, I can be found downstairs, in the common room, making sure it doesn’t smell like feet. YOU’RE WELCOME, YOU PSYCHO BITCH.

Girlfriend didn’t even know where the trash goes until February. She’s been living here since August.

Rant complete, warm fuzzy feelings come back to me, please. It’s not happening, though, so I’ll just drink until they do.

Peace and blessings, y’all, peace and blessings. And Clorox wipes. Don’t be like my roommate. Just don’t.

P.S. I’M NOT FUCKING CLEANING IT! So i’ll update you kind folks when I force her to do it, sobbing or not.

Posted in Anger, Humans, Observations, People | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

What a Woman

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I’m in pain and this made me laugh. Hopefully I’ll look like this when I become obese one day.

Posted in Happiness, Humor, Movies, Observations, People | Tagged | 2 Comments

I Like Vodka

Tier One Vodka, a fake liquor so cleverly created for my advertising class. This is my brainchild. Through it’s production I have learned three key lessons:
1. I should be an actress
2. I should be a creative at an ad agency (Mad Men)
3. My father has a cool voice.

Enjoy. Or don’t. It’s whatever.

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Tier One Vodka

Tier One Vodka

Not real, but we’re dreamers. Twitter: @TierOneVodka follow, you won’t be sorry

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A Piece of Free Advice that Doesn’t Encourage Alcoholism

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This gem arrived in the post today from my best friend in the whole wide world. I’ll just go ahead and refer to her as Sheila because I call her that, even though it has nothing to do with her name.

Sheila’s had some shit thrown at her lately, and how she’s more sane than I…it’s just one of those things that blows my mind.

Through her ordeals, I’ve been there for her, of course. It’s what a best friend of over a decade is supposed to do. Even if they live 10 hours away.

The thing about Sheila, though, is that she doesn’t just say how she appreciates you. She makes sure you know.

So here is the free piece of advice promised in the title:

Find a friend like Sheila. One who accepts you for who you are, and will never judge you. Part of this is on you, though. You can’t expect someone to be free of judgement unless you are, too.

That’s the thing about Sheila and I; even though we’ve known each other for well over a decade, our weird quirks and faults didn’t come out all at once. But we’ve learned about each other over time. And we didn’t say, “fuck it” when the other did something stupid.

We both know what true loyalty is, and we both know there aren’t many other people out there that do.

To have a friend that has stuck beside me through eating disorders, bad relationships, depression, and every other fucked up thing I’ve experienced…it’s just a true fucking gift.

This all sounds cheesy, but it is the God-honest truth. Find those people who can help you through anything, and be willing to do the exact same.

I can’t tell you the happiness I feel when she calls me with a problem she’s having, and recognizes that I know her better than most. It reminds me that I have the same thing, and it’s a relief.

So, find a friend who thinks about you and appreciates you enough to send you:

-Stephen King’s novel Misery. She knows I’m a huge fan of Stephen’s, first of all. And I’ve never had the pleasure of reading this one. So her instructions are to have it read by summer so we can drink wine and have scholarly discussions. Bad ass. Right?

Keeping You a Secret. What she says is a “stupid lesbian love story”. I’m excited, personally.

-A picture in a frame from a day we dubbed “Culture Day”. We went to a museum and a zoo. Classy. And delightful.

-A mix CD she made while stoned. Lovely.

-A DVD she borrowed from the home-schoolers (yeah, idk either) entitled “Kung Fu Hustle”. Not only that, but a sweet pic of me from the wonder years in the cover of the case. The “wonder years” meaning circa 8th grade. Braces, enough said. And she already warned me she has the original.

-Tickets for stiff drinks (she knows me)

-Trident Layers. I get paid to be her friend… In gum. 🙂

-Last but not least, a letter. The best part that made me smile huge and tear up at the same time. Also covered in Harry Potter stickers.

You’ll never find a friend as awesome as Sheila, but I wish you all the best of luck in finding one who is just as loyal. Everyone deserves someone like her as a best friend. Trust me.

Posted in Happiness, Humans, Humor, Movies, Music, Observations, People | Tagged , , , , | 2 Comments

Just Doing My Duty, Making Your Monday Less Like Hell

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